Student moving home for the summer?

Advice to Parents from Current Students

The following article below was written by former students who wanted to provide advice to parents who have students moving back home for the summer. We publish this piece every year because it offers such honest and personal insights. Here goes:

Let me live in your house for free, eat your food, drive your car, use your gas, have you do my laundry, and then leave me alone to do what I want!” Just kidding!

OK, Mom and Dad, so maybe I am not completely kidding about how I’d like life to be at home this summer. Coming home for the summer after being away for the year will be a bit hard for you and me. Spending this year at St. Kate’s has been great in that it has made me grow both intellectually and independently. It also means that I am not your baby girl anymore.

Here are some topics that I would like to discuss with you at the beginning of the summer so we can avoid misunderstandings:
1) What are your expectations? Please share them with me at the beginning of the summer.
2) Do I have a curfew? If so, what time is my curfew?
3) Am I allowed to use the car? Do I have to pay for my own gas? (Keep in mind I am a poor college student.)
4) Will I be expected to contribute to the household by doing chores?

I would be very grateful if you would be willing to negotiate on a few of these issues. I would also like to share with you my experiences while being away at school.

At school I have matured and become more independent. I also have taken on more responsibilities. As a result, I feel that I am able to grow into a new type of relationship with you, or at least begin one, anyway. I am not a child anymore. I realize I will always be your child, but I am growing up. I would appreciate it if you would talk to me as an adult.

Here are a few other subjects that are on my mind. First, my sleeping schedule has altered since I was home last. I am used to going to bed later and waking up even later. It would mean a lot if you would allow me at least a few extra hours to sleep in.

Second, family dynamics may have shifted since I have been away. The readjustment may be difficult, for me as well as the rest of the family, but I think that as long as we all are working on getting along, things will be fine.

Last, I would appreciate some privacy when I come back. I realize it will not be the same amount of privacy I had while living at school, but a little bit of privacy will go a long way. I sincerely appreciate your understanding, Mom and Dad. I think this summer will go well if we both come into it with an open mind. Although I may not always show it, I am happy to be home. After all, it is nice to finally be in a place where I do not have to wear flip-flops in the shower!

By Mary Blissenbach '09, elementary education; Alaine Clawson '09, elementary education; Sara Duevel '09, philosophy; Billie Jo Zak '09, American Sign Language

And here is some additional advice from staff in the Counseling Center
Student Returning Home for the Summer Aaah, summertime! A time we tend to long for and build dreams around. We imagine time to play or to relax in the shade with a cool drink, long twilight walks and talks around the lake with people we care about, trips and family gatherings of all kinds.

Your daughter is undoubtedly excited about summer, the end of the academic year and a chance to put away the textbooks for a while (unless she’s in summer school, of course). If your daughter has been living away from home during the year, you also may dream of chances to reconnect and to feel like a complete family again, and your daughter may be in tune with this image. However, it’s just as likely that she will be spending so much of her time working or with peers that you feel you need to make an appointment to get time with her even while she’s living with you.

Learning to adapt to living without your daughter in your life every day might have been a challenge in fall of freshman year. It takes even more flexibility to bounce back and forth between having her gone and then back in your life again. Just as you get used to a daily routine, expected noise levels and workload, everything changes. Think of it as a way for you to stay nimble and adaptable.

You may find that you need to renegotiate some of the house rules and expectations in ways that didn’t come up during short visits during the year. Here’s a passage about this process from a book called Almost Grown by Patricia Pasick: "While returning-home experiences may be warm and connecting, a transition is still very much in the making. You are searching for signs of growth. Students hope to see that being a college student affords them some new privilege in the family, a new kind of almost-adult status. Negotiation is the key to an evolving, positive relationship between new college students and their families. At the least, your daughter will want to have her views listened to and respected, even if there are disagreements. On the family’s side, it’s perfectly fine to continue some expectations that, when college students are at home, they’re part of the family with obligations to help out and connect" (pp. 188-189)."

So, enjoy your summer with its pleasures and challenges. Try to see clearly the possibilities and joys in the real summer as it unfolds, much richer than the dreams and expectations we create in advance.